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Activity: How Do I Love Thee?

Goal: 
Give students an opportunity to explore the concept of ‘love’ and the different stages of a relationship. 

Objectives: 
   Students will define different types of love and relationships.
   Students will recognize that different opinions exist about how to define the different stages of relationships and how 
   love progresses.
   Students will explore how feelings for another person can change and grow during a relationship.
   Students will discuss whether being "in love" is a good reason to have sexual intercourse.

Rationale: 
Teens often get an earful about sexual behaviors and their consequences, but how often are they given the opportunity to discuss and explore romance, relationships and the complexities of love? And for those in the throes of middle adolescence and its burgeoning of sexual feelings, the interest is there. Visit any website devoted to teenagers and you’re sure to find plenty of articles, quizzes and chats on the subject of love and relationships. This lesson enables students to explore and articulate their values and opinions among their peers. 

Timing: 
One class period (45-50 minutes)

Materials:
   Newsprint or chalkboard
   Pens/pencils
   Handout – teenadvice.com poll (Optional: Included below)
   Two sets of index cards with one of the following written on each: (30 cards total) 
          Love at first sight 
          Friendship 
          Flirting 
          Sexual attraction 
          Infatuation 
          "In love" 
          Romance 
          Obsession 
          Nurturance 
          Immature love 
          Mature love 
          Intimacy 
          Attachment 
          Passion 
          "True love" 


Procedure: (10-15 minutes)
Introduce the topic of love and relationships with a review of what activities are included in the lesson: a discussion of the concept of ‘love, ’ the phases people might go through as they enter relationships and perhaps fall in love, and what other teens say about love and sex.

Write on the newsprint or chalkboard, “When you’re in love, you…” Ask teens to brainstorm endings to this statement. Write down their responses as given and without editing. If you’re not sure what a student means, ask for clarification (e.g., “What do you mean by that?”) rather than make assumptions. 

Once the brainstorm is complete, ask students to keep this brainstorm in mind as they work on the next task, which will involve defining terms like ‘love’ and ‘infatuation.’ (5 minutes) 

Distribute the prepared index cards randomly among the group, and make sure that each term has its pair handed out. Each student should have at least one card with a term on it. Ask the students to review the term on their card and write a definition for that term on the back of the card. 

When everyone is finished, inform them that someone else has also defined their term and to find that person. Once everyone is in pairs, instruct them to share their definitions and then work together to create one definition, which they write on the front of one of their cards. 

Questions: 
What did you find when you compared definitions? Similar? Different? How was it coming up with a mutual definition? 


Next, instruct one member from each group to come forward and display their term. Instruct the remaining participants to work together to create a continuum showing the progression of a relationship. It should be noted that there is no "correct" order for these terms. If the group cannot reach consensus on an order, move this task along by asking for a majority vote. Once the participants are lined up in the continuum, instruct the students in the continuum to read the definitions of their term. 

Questions: (10 minutes) 
   Would anyone define any of these terms differently? 
   How would these new definitions change the order of the continuum? 
   Are there any terms in the continuum that aren’t necessary for a loving relationship? Which ones? Why? 
   At what point on the continuum is it socially acceptable to have intercourse? For teens? For adults? 
   For middle school  students? High school? College?
   Is being "in love" a good reason to have sexual intercourse? Why or why not? 
   How can thinking about the different types and stages of love help someone make good decisions about sex? 
   What questions can people ask themselves when trying to make a decision about having sex? (e.g., How will I feel if 
   we break up? How would we handle a pregnancy or STD?) 

Return to the brainstorm and ask students if there’s anything about the initial brainstorm that stands out. What kind of love does their brainstorm best describe? True Love? Mature Love? Immature Love? 

Wrap up the brainstorm by challenging any ‘idealistic’ statements such: always happy, never fight, do anything for that person, etc. Frame it positively (without suggesting that the original statement is wrong) with questions such as, “Can you be in love and still have disagreements?” or “Should people draw a line somewhere when it comes to doing anything for someone they love?” (5 minutes)

Optional:
Distribute the advice.com handout  and let students know that you’re going to do a poll on love. Inform students that a thousand teens responded to an online poll at teenadvice.com to various questions about love. Instruct students to complete the same poll to see how to their answers compare to the online poll (let them know that the last two questions asks for personal information, and that answering is optional.) Ask students to fill out the poll anonymously (i.e., no names on the handout) and to crumple their paper into a ball when they are done. 

Once everyone has completed filling out their poll and crumpled their paper, ask that the students toss their paper across the room. Repeat this instruction at least 1 more time to ensure the papers get distributed around the room. After 2 or 3 rounds of the paper toss is completed and each student has a form, tell students to review their form. Let me know that it is okay if they end up with their own handout, but to keep that information to themselves for anonymity. Using a show of hands, go through each question and tally up the answers for each. Once you have tallied up all of the answers, review how their answers compared to those given on the online poll. 

Questions: (10 minutes) 
See Facilitator Guide Handout for process questions 


Wrap up:
What do these activities tell you about the concept of ‘love?’



Additional information: 
Stats & Facts
So, why do teens need information on and opportunities to discuss love and relationships? According to a survey of 4,600 teenagers (ages 12-17) conducted last year by the New York City-based market research firm Mediamark Research, Inc., slightly more than 1 in 10 teenagers are currently in a relationship with someone they have been dating for more than a year. And those who aren't in long-term relationships don’t seem to lacking in the romance department. More than half of teens (57 percent) say they regularly go out on dates, and a third say they have a steady boyfriend or girlfriend. Interestingly, girls are significantly more likely to say they have a special someone than are boys: 38 percent of teen girls say they have a boyfriend, compared with only 29 percent of teen boys who say they have a girlfriend. This discrepancy may be due to denial (or embarrassment) on the part of the boys, but it could also be due to wishful thinking on the part of the girls. When asked about their goals in life, 83 percent of teenage girls say they want to get married, compared with 73 percent of teen boys who say the same. 

Teen Development:
Most high school students fall into that ‘Classic Teen’ category of middle adolescence; that period of development marked by great change, physically, emotionally, and intellectually. The irony of middle adolescence is that while teens are beginning to be able to think more abstractly and understand the consequences to behavior, they don’t always apply that new learning to themselves! It is a period marked by narcissism (I mean, everyone is looking at their zit, right?), idealism, experimentation and the ruling class: their peers. This is a period where adults can have the greatest influence by being good listeners. So, how can we make the most of a lesson on relationships? Consider the following:

Save your war stories for another time. Teens do not relate to our experiences. While they may acknowledge the ‘moral of the story’ teens generally feel that their experiences are uniquely their own, and our life lessons (from so LONG ago…) are not considered relevant to their lives.

Avoid using words or phrases that invalidate the feelings of teens. Words like ‘puppy love’ and ‘crush’ tend be dismissive of the intense feelings experienced by teenagers. While we know that most teens don’t experience the ‘mature love’ that may come later in life, their feelings of love are genuine, nonetheless. 

Be prepared for idealistic and unrealistic view s on love, but don’t discount them or label them as ‘wrong thinking.’ Rather, use the opportunities to expand the teens view and teach critical thinking skills (e.g., Taking the belief that two people in love never fight to identifying how two people in love can have disagreements, yet still ‘fight fair.’) 

Use pop culture to teach. Ask students how television and movies portray ‘love’ and how this differs from real life. 

Quick Tips:
Monitor the use of stereotypes when teaching and among students. Challenge generalizations such as ‘girls want romance’ and ‘guys want sex.’ 

Use inclusive language. When we use language that suggests all romantic relationships are male-female, we fail to include those students who are gay or lesbian. Use phrases such as ‘People who date’ vs. boyfriends/girlfriends. 


Possible variations:
Divide the group by gender, having the boys and girls each develop their definitions and make a continuum in order to compare their responses.

Once instructions are given to have one member from each group to come forward to form a continuum, instruct the remaining students to get into a group and form their own continuum. Compare the two. 

For smaller groups, give students a couple of index cards each so that all of the terms get defined. 


This activity was adapted from a lesson by Joe Fay, M.A. York City Health Bureau 1 Market Way, West York, PA 17401 717-845-6532

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